From the person without a honey to squeeze to the guy without a dime to squeeze on a honey, we came up with a way for everyone to enjoy Valentine’s in all its glory!
1. For the single ladies!
For those of you few remaining endangered species in the Tahoe area, grab your gaggle of geese and embark on a mega girl-date!
First, meet up for coffee at the Keys Cafe where you can all bond over tea, breakfast burritos, and the sub-par selection of single men who don’t suffer from a lack of ambition or a drinking problem. Be sure to cackle EXTRA LOUD to exemplify just HOW MUCH YOU ARE LOVING THE SINGLE LIFE!
Once you’ve finished up there take the flock on over to TJ Maxx and blow all that money you’re not spending on a dude by investing in some sexy new workout clothes to impress the meatheads over at Fitness Evolution.
Finish off V-Day with a fun-filled photoshoot by the lake. And by photoshoot we mean taking 100 Instagram selfies! GIRL POWER!
2. For the single dude.
Seriously, who needs chicks when you have weed and snowboarding?
Sure, the two cost you a ton of money but at least they never nag you to clean up after yourself and there’s no pressure to compete with 100 dudes for their attention!
Wake, bake, and shred is the natural order of life per usual for you. Today, however, is extra special, because not only did you give your snowboard a sensual wax massage the evening prior but you’ve also invested in some extra tasty chronic for the holiday: a new strain called ‘Purple Dragon’s Breath.’
Mmm, yeah baby. That’s the shit.
Be sure to turn on the snowboarding porn to set the mood before strolling out that door for your hot chairlift date at Sierra-at-Tahoe with your two main ladies!
3. For the couple that does every f* thing together.
For the two-for-one package deals that break a sweat at the mere thought of spending even moments apart, we’ve got just the date for you!
Cook breakfast together!
Yeah, we know you do that sh*t all the time, but we mean making breakfast TOGETHER—like a single individual.
One person serves as the right hand; the other as the left. Chop veggies together. Crack an egg together. Wear the same muumuu together if it helps synchronize your movements. Sure, it may feel clumsy but this is team building people!
Think of how much closer you two will be after you romantically spoon your sloppy scramble into each others’ mouths! Now that’s love!
4. For the workaholic.
You love work. Work loves you.
Instead of taking the day off, why not opt on making it extra special for the both of you! Worry not—Valentine’s day falls on a Saturday this year, so coworkers will be none the wiser!
Show up early to the office and light some candles. Turn your ghetto blaster on to the smooth sensual sounds of Kenny G. I hope you remembered to wear your good underwear, you know, the silky leopard print ones you typically reserve for important meetings and trips to Grocery Outlet. Turn on your computer. Whisper to it, “Yeah, baby, I love the ‘hmmmm’ sound you make when I turn you on.”
Then strut over to your desk and pour yourself a tall glass of fine wine. Which is it today? Carlo Rossi? Franzia?
Who gives a f*—all that matters is that this is going to be the best Valentine’s day ever.
5. For someone who is awkwardly sort of kind of hanging out with someone but doesn’t really know where they stand.
So you’ve been spending time with someone but it’s nothing you’re dying to announce on Facebook anytime soon. These 50 shades of dating grey areas can be tricky to navigate this time of year, especially with all the commercial pressure to express your undying love through tacky gestures and ostentatious garb.
But we know just the way to make this day one for the books!
Let your friend-with-benefits know you have to work that day, even if you don’t. Already you’ve given the both of you the greatest gift of all—the gift of no expectations!
Proceed to celebrate V-Day with one of the options listed above, or all of them for that matter! Be sure to fill your schedule and have loads of fun! But don’t expend all your energy, because once evening rolls through it will be time to make that holiday booty text. Something like “WHAT R U DOING? DOWN 2 BANG?????” is plenty romantic and fitting for the occasion.
Don’t forget to ‘wrap’ your ‘gifts’, if you know what I mean *wink wink*.
6. For the totally broke!
So you got someone special in your life but not two dimes to pinch together. Welcome to the club! Brokeaholics anonymous meets once a week under a lean-to on Reagan beach, so swing on by!
Oh, that’s right, we’re discussing Valentine’s day. Back on topic.
Luckily the best gifts are the ones that come from the heart. Your only obstacle? Your complete lack of creativity. No worries, that’s why we’re here—to relieve your wallet and redeem your relationship!
Consider one of the following options:
- Set up a treasure hunt for that special someone. First clue is behind one of the coffee dispensers in Rude Brothers. Second clue is on that old dead tree on the right when you walk into Kiva Beach. Third clue can be found at the top of Kingsbury! And what’s the grand prize once your special someone spends all day, and a tank of gas, in enamored anticipation? Why YOU, of course, waiting in open embrace!!!
- Make a card out of old electric bill envelopes. Construct a box of chocolates by cutting a pizza box into a heart shape and filling it with leftover halloween candy or frozen chicken nuggets. Cliches are only endearing if you make it obvious how much work was put into it.
- Construct a coupon book. Please attempt to limit the fine print.
7. For the generally cheap/lazy.
Just post one of the following e-cards on their Facebook wall. We promise it won’t do you wrong.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Text and Illustrations by Jangles
Valentine’s e-card source: Tumblr
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