—By Laura Van Bojangles—
you asked, we answered!
Gaper Gear is back in trend, so we took the finest the 80’s has to offer and put it to the TJ test!
The following were our top choices for style, comfort, durability, and ability to rage to a good Bruce Springsteen tape!
L’Agression Snow Jacket
Aside from style being the most obvious quality of the L’Agression snow jacket, this style also embodies the foremost technology of 80’s snow sport apparel.
An abundance of zippers (including a zipper in order to access yet another zipper) demonstrates this jacket’s proficiency in carrying a large variety of doo-dads and what-nots (we tested everything from loose change to tape decks).
Comfort is ensured with a short and wide fit capable of accommodating even the thickest of winter layers accumulated from eating too much pie on Christmas.
Shortcomings were few but obvious.
The short and wide fit may not be appealing to those who prefer against resembling an oompa-loompa. Too many zippers could potentially result in the early onset of carpal tunnel in the wrists. Color arrangement may not suit those descended from a long lineage of redheads.
Overall, the L’Agression jacket is a great choice for those who are seeking to look good, feel comfortable, and raise the bar on their zipper game.
American Flag Onesie
Designed by onesie-weareres for onesie-weareres.
Nothing says “MURICA, YEE-HAW!” quite like an American flag themed onesie. This style is an obvious choice for individuals who occasionally (if not rarely) enjoy hitting the slopes while proudly putting their national pride on display.
Like any good onesie, the AFO (not to be confused with the UFO, which is reviewed under ‘Unidentified Flying Object Reviews’) ensures that no snow will collect in the space between butt cheeks should you yard sale underneath the chairlift on a powder day.
GORE-TEX technology is featured only on the wrists and ankles, with the remaining portion offering only a 70/30 cotton/poly blend, a quality that we found performed poorly when temperatures dropped below 65.
Durability and insulation was shown to be subpar considering the onesie’s inability to deflect damage when tested on a slip-n-slide placed over a gravel driveway.
Despite poor performance, the great look of the AFO was too good to pass up. We highly recommend this fine garment for forgiving winter conditions and poorly played out one-night-stands.
The Aviator’s Glory
Who said Charles Lindbergh got have all the fun? The Aviator Airbreaks will take your goggle game from ‘meh’ to ‘what the hell is that guy wearing?!’
Perhaps the quality we appreciated the most was the Airbreak’s lens technology. The top half of each lens features optical grade polycarbonate, while the bottom boasts both laser and night vision.
And why share one lens with both eyes when each could have its own? We found this to be a very novel, if not brave, introduction to a product we believed had already reached its technological peak.
The leather lining offered great ventilation, though we did find it required a bit more care than most goggles (must be washed and pat dry with a diamond encrusted silk cloth every four hours). The Aviator’s Glory provides a great fit for all face shapes except for heart shaped faces and your mom’s face.
Scott Turbo 3000 XX
You don’t need a hot tub time machine to show off the head-turning panache and toasty-toe comfort of the Turbo 3000 boot. Perhaps the most appealing design of the Turbo series, the 3000’s sleek, minimalist appearance gives the impression of a high-end boot without bringing tears to your wallet’s eyes.
The Turbo offers a spectacular fit for all foot sizes, with an adjustable bubble-wrap liner (pop bubbles as needed), a flexible shell, and an intuitive latch system for rapid-fire adjustments on and off the hill (such as when switching from going downstairs to back upstairs because you forgot your cell in the restroom stall).
The most disappointing con of the Turbo 3000 was that fit appeared to suffer when the boot was worn with denim jeans. This could pose a problem for a large portion of our readers. We know it did for us.
The Mulletnator was our favorite product for managing that pesky sweaty mid-day brow we all experience while spring riding.
Created by the makers of the ‘Mooseknuckletron’, you can be rest assured this headband will make you a forehead-fancy force to be reckoned with.
The headband is woven from silk spun by the mega-silkworm—a worm that is injected with steroids and then bred in a laboratory for its ability to spin ultra-breathable, ultra-durable silk capable of withstanding the most destructive of yard sales.
The headband fits well for all head shapes and hairstyles, but appeared to perform best with a defiant mullet.
Testers also noticed an increase in an ability to maintain strong eye-contact while wearing the Mulletnator, along with a slight improvement in the ability to read minds.
Kombi Puff-Puff Blast Glove
The Puff-Blast glove won the TJ Editor’s Choice award for performing well above expectations in warmth, flexibility, style, and, most importantly, aggressive wrist insulation.
The extra-puffy polyester cuffs were our favorite feature on the glove. The Velcro served nicely in protecting our favorite appendages whilst dunked in a vat of chilly Jell-O.
As far as appearance goes, the glove just looks good, which will make you look good, and will likely even make the person sitting next to you on the chairlift look good.
The glove was also so comfortable that our tester was able to wear them for a full 24 hours without notice. This included a visit to the gym, a night out at Harrah’s, as well as lots of Tindering.
Meet your testers!
We carefully selected our testers based on their passion for the great outdoors, their extensive knowledge of nylon thread counts, and ability to rock an aggressive forehead tan.
Our team went above and beyond to ensure our choices would fit the needs of a large range of mullet-rockers and onesie-wearers.
We hope you have as much fun showing off your new gaper gear as we did testing it!