Text by Laura Jangles and Saniah Foy
Illustrations by Pauline Katopka
IT’S A MATCH!
According to statistics, 91% of Tahoe locals between the ages of 18-35 has swiped left or right on Tinder (be it on their phone or someone else’s).
Ok, so maybe that statistic came from an unreliable source (that source being a bizarre crevasse deep within my noggin that enjoys making stuff up).
Regardless, I’m convinced each and every one of you fits into at least one of these categories:
- A) is currently a raging Tinder-aholic
- B) has had a short-term fling with Tinder before spotting an ex/boss/sibling and deleting it
- C) has swiped on a friend’s phone because you’re already dating someone but can’t resist the allure of the second-hand swipe
- D) has eloped to Vegas with a Tinder match after texting for two hours
Well, if you’ve spent more than 10 minutes Tindering in Tahoe then you’ll probably recognize at least one the following clichés!
“Check out this trick! And this trick! And this one…. Oh, and here’s a blurry shot of my face hidden behind my long hair and saggy beanie.”
Nothing will ever come between him and his shred-stick. Not even you. He talks about snowboarding ad nauseum, so prepare for a barrage of one-sided conversations about the latest trick he’s stomping or whose fault it is when he isn’t. (To blame: Bad snow conditions? Poorly built park? Heavy breeze? Stars misaligned?)
“This is me in all my steezy gear. Here is my snowboard. Here are my cool bindings. I’m hoping you deduce from this evidence that I am a shredder.”
It’s a match! With The Snowboard Bum that is. Name-drop three tricks (they don’t even have to exist, e.g. corked double latte) and the panties are gone! She’s ready to be your #1 fan, following you down the slopes all day with starry eyes but never actually hitting anything herself.
“Look at me with a beer! Look at me with a joint! Look at me at a bar! I’m so cultured!”
Imbibes on the regular with reckless abandon. Can be seen out most nights and practically owns a time-share at the casinos. His idea of a first date is meeting up with you at a house party and proceeding to get white-girl wasted.
“Selfie. Selfie. Selfie. Selfie of me taking a selfie.”
What goes around comes around – especially with a Ta-HOE. She’s the revolving door for Lake Tahoe’s heavily populated male community. Tread carefully – she could very well turn your uncle into your eskimo brother.
“I can barely keep my eyes open for any of these photos….”
Let’s be real here – every dude on this side of the country smokes pot. Tahoe, however, seems to host an especially high concentration of stoners who have gone off the ganja deep-end. So far removed from reality, he spends his time discussing nonsensical theories as he waits for his life to assemble itself without any effort on his part. Has lofty dreams of becoming a pot farmer – unfortunately, he’s too much of a stoner.
“Gang sign on the slopes in my XXXL hoodie and sunglasses. Oh, and then here’s me in the casino in a little black dress with my ass-cheeks hanging out!”
She wants you to know she can hang with the boys all day, and play those very same boys by night. After seeing her on the slopes all day you’re all too shocked to find the very same specimen also owns a curling iron and the darkest shades of eye-shadow MAC has to offer. Watch out – she can smoke and drink you under the table, so be ready to cough up the cash on the first date.
“Here I am on the playa. Here I am standing next to the man. I love my dreads! I’m such a free spirit – emphasis on the word free, because that’s the only price I can afford!”
Watch out! After the first date, he’ll probably ask if he could crash on your couch for a while. The ultimate moocher, he uses his friend’s mailing address because he’s taken up residence in their closet. Hasn’t been able to hold down a job in years….. except for trim work. And even that’s rocky…
“Downward dog. Warrior pose. A headstand. A reverse double-double pretzel with a side of closed eyes and serious face – because I am enlightened.”
She may have physical balance, but she most certainly lacks it emotionally. Cries at the drop of a hat – literally, if you drop your hat she will most likely burst into tears. Expect a crash course in yoga poses on the first date, which will seem hot until she bursts out in her tantric chants – much in the same way your aunt did during church service growing up.