This is your untrained astrologist here to provide your completely inaccurate horoscope for the month! If you don’t believe in reading horoscopes, well, you’re in luck—neither do I!
Mercury is in retro this month which means there will be lots of bellbottoms and 70’s music in your near future.
Oh, what’s that? It’s in retrograde? Oh.
Ok, I guess that means Mercury will be screwing with your life.
CAPRICORN a.k.a. The Stubborn A-Hole
Happy Birthday you friggin’ goat, you! Baaaaaah!
Just think, your parents banged nine months ago which means they got freaky sometime between March and April.
Yeah, let that stew around in your brain for a second.
There’s a new moon coming in which means you’ll probably spill hot coffee on yourself at some point this month. Something tells me it will be a coffee from Rude Brothers.
Definitely coffee from Roadrunner while you’re rushing to get to Sierra-at-Tahoe for first chair. Should anyone ask if you wet yourself, politely remind them they are idiots because if you DID so happen to tinkle your pants it obviously would not show thanks to the bomb-proof waterproofing on your snow pants.
Anyways, Mars will be moving into the eleventh house of friendship which means your friends will be really true to you. I’m guess they will be brutally honest about your BO or holiday weight gain. Eh, it’s what friends are for, right?
Love is on the horizon for you!
Just kidding. I see nothing.
Yup, my crystal ball draws a blank.
But don’t fret, 2016 is the year of the single person! Start a business and watch it flourish! Make use of that time and money you’re not spending on a bloodsucking significant other!
Ok, your time is up. Moving on to Aquarius!
AQUARIUS a.k.a. That Freakin’ Weirdo
Oh, hey, this is my sign! Better make it good!
Since my birthday is on the 22nd I’m going to say sometime between the 20th and 23rd of the month money will rain upon us beloved Aquarius!
*cue ‘Age of Aquarius’*
Not sure where this money will come from exactly, but I’m guessing the sky? A tree? A generous birthday check from mom and dad?
With the arrival of a new moon chances are you’ll be getting a rowdy bunch of vacation renters next door on MLK weekend. You may be tempted to tell them to suck it, but take the counterintuitive route. Invite them over for a beer. Your kindness will result in you making good friends with the cousin of the guy who invented SnapChat.
BOOM! How’s that for networking.
It seems planets will be gathering in the twelfth house of privacy and rest. In other words: SLOW DOWN MOFO! Stop being such a workaholic and take the time to smell the roses before you buy them on clearance at Grocery Outlet.
It seems like you have a lot of ideas that you’ve been meaning to bring to fruition. Make use of that slow-down time to plant some creative seeds. Go to the Himmel Haus on open mic night, bump ideas with the bartender, and see what other creative locals are up to.
Just don’t sing. Whatever you do… don’t sing.
Ok, now beat it.
PISCES a.k.a. The Cry-Baby
Looks like your career is about to take off! Something tells me you’re an UBER driver in town.
Surf this new professional tide and don’t be afraid to take risks. This will require you to, however, stop partying so much. Yeah, don’t give me that face. We all know you sent it for New Years. Let’s just say it’s probably time you cooled it on casino time.
Your sun is in Capricorn, which is the eleventh house of socializing and connecting.
Go shred with the homies. Make some new homies. Surround yourself with progressive people. People with goals and who don’t talk shit about other people. There are plenty in Tahoe, you just gotta cherry-pick. No shame.
Around the 14th you’ll probably lose your pants. What’s that all about? Don’t ask me, I’m just spitting out your destiny here.
With Mercury in retrograde there’s a strong chance you’ll attract a stage-5 clinger. I’m talking follow-you-to-Artemis-while-you’re-eating-dinner-with-the-family stalker level. I’m talking stare-at-you-through-the-bedroom-window-while-you-put-on-deoderant stalker level.
Call the cops. You’re too busy for stalkers.
K, now go call yo momma.
ARIES a.k.a. The Rule-breaker
Ok, it’s time to lay off the chocolate. Seriously. Christmas was two weeks ago.
Around the 11th you’re going to get some HUGE news! HUGE! Massive! Big deal stuff! I’m guessing you’ll finally get a refund on that Amazon order. Either way, be patient. It could also be bad news. Like no refund.
“The new moon will be in conflict with Uranus in Aries.” *snicker*
No joke, that is literally what astrologist Susan Miller’s forecast reads (yeah, so I did some research, how else am I supposed to know where all these moons and planets zipping to?!).
Anyways, something tells me if there’s a moon in conflict with URANUS, it’s time for a colonoscopy.
Ok, ok, I’ll grow up. Some people are no fun.
Apparently, the new moon being in conflict with Uranus means it’s a great time for you to be less inhibited. That’s right, BE A REBEL! Plus you’re boring everybody.
It’s time to break outside of your usual habits and try something new! Something daring! Something you’ve never considered before!
Like a colonoscopy!
Ok, scoot your toot, there are other horoscopes waiting.
TAURUS a.k.a. The Hedonic Sucker
MOOOOO! Oh Taurus, you stubborn pleasure-seeker you.
Let me start by saying with Mercury in retrograde any plans to travel are going to be ‘effed up this month!
Sorry, but it’s true.
You best to stay in Tahoe, but if you HAVE to leave brace yourself for some major hiccups. Chances are you’ll either run over a bunny while on the road or get stuck in a ditch.
In better news, this month is a good month for LOOOOVE.
That’s right, I said ‘love’ with three extra o’s. That’s serious business right there.
Jupiter turns back in Virgo, your fifth house of love and self-expression, so expect lots of passion this month. I’m guessing a high-quality bang session while you’re stuck in that ditch during our aforementioned traveling hiccup.
It’s all about that silver lining, baby! Boom-shaka-laka.
This month is the month to really focus on the big picture, rather than the day-to-day crap that has been blinding you. I’m not saying quit your job to go become the astronaut you’ve always dreamed of becoming. Mainly because jobs are thin in Tahoe right now and nobody’s really getting shipped out to space anymore.
But really start working towards your long-term goals. They ain’t gonna fulfill themselves.
Also, on the week of the 18th, you should avoid driving on highway 50 at all costs. Take back roads. Trust me on this one.
Gemini a.k.a. The Two-Faced B*
The month will start out slow for you because of the whole retrograde thing. So if you’re the type with ants in your pants about stuff, well, you’re just going to have to cool it.
Plus ants in your pants will most likely result in a rash.
Got it? Got it.
But good news!
After the 19th you’ll notice a spike in finances. Maybe you decided to sell off some of your crappier Christmas gifts on eBay. Maybe you finally sold some of that bunk weed to a homie. Who knows. But don’t spend it all in one place.
Becaaaaaaause you will also find love this month! That’s right. The person of your dreams is going to fall right into your lap sometime between the 23 and the 28.
But there’s a catch.
You’ll be the bread winner in the duo, and they’ll be wanting’ some of that sugar. So get ready to spend!
Ok, go away.
Cancer a.k.a. The Holds-Onto-Everything Type
There will be four heavenly bodies filling the seventh house of partnership and commitment.
I wish I could tell you this means four sexy-ass half-naked people will be showing up at your seventh lakeside front that you’ve recently purchased—but nay.
It just means some planets are doing weird stuff and as a result you’re going to get nesting fever and want more from whoever you’re seeing. Just try not to get all stage-5 and pushy and stuff.
Be patient. Tis a virtue. A virtue that will save you from looking desperate and annoying.
Stuff is going to be pretty confusing for you this month as well. You’re not going to be sure whether to order the filet, or the chicken nuggets.
Organic or non-organic? Hottie on the left, or hottie on the right?
Trust your instincts, and go with your gut.
Speaking of guts, you’ll have really bad gas on the 23rd of the month. Isolate yourself for at least 12 hours till the storm passes.
Now go do something useful.
Leo a.k.a. The Self-Absorbed Lion
While all the other signs are slowing down, you better brace yourself cuz shit’s about to blast off for you! Hope you’re ready for it!
THIS MONTH IS YOUR MONTH TO SHINE!
Life is basically going to send a huge tide your way, so you can either get sucked by the undertow or grab your surfboard and head out for a sweet surf sesh, duuuuude.
Maybe that 5-cent raise you’ve been asking for five years will finally be acknowledged.
Or maybe, just maybe….. you’ll finally hit the notes on your next karaoke outing.
Saturn’s new move into you fifth house also means there’s a great chance that you’ll be hearing more YO MOMMA jokes than normal. Bear with it, it’s only a sign of upcoming prosperity.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya (or YO MOMMA).
VIRGO a.k.a. The Faker
Yep. Nothing. Got nothing for ya.
LIBRA a.k.a. The Lost Soul
With Mercury in retrograde and Capricorn moving into your fourth house, there’s a strong chance you’re going to be extra cry-baby-like this month.
Don’t worry, it’s nothing major, you’re just acting like a big pansy.
It also means you should stay home. Forget about that invite to Whiskey Dicks, because your crusty hot tub is the only party you should be considering this month.
Around the 18th expect a call.
It’s going to be your ex asking if you still have the phone number of a long lost mutual friend. Turns out that mutual friend is his/her new love interest. BAM!
Don’t fret, though, because love is in the air!
Keep your eyes peeled at the Al Tahoe and 50 intersection. The love of your life will pull right next to you, driving a ’98 Honda Civic.
Just make sure to not get too sucked into lipsyncing along with your Creed CD—you’ll forget to glance over and lock eyes with your newfound love.
Adios MOFO! ….. Yes, I’d like to order two.
SCORPIO a.k.a. The Bossy Nympho
You’re gonna have this urge to take on the world.
Slow down, sit back, and think before you act. You’ll feel like throwing down the gnarliest corked 7’s in the park, even though you’ve never even straight aired. You’ll feel the urge to go streaking through Heavenly Village, but that will probably get you fired from Basecamp.
Point is, Mars is in Scorpio which means slow your roll, WAYNE.
This month does not look good on the money front. You’ll probably lose about 5 bucks around the 23rd, but no biggie—you’ll find it crumpled up in the wash before February.
Just don’t spend it all in one place.
Scorpios are known for being aggressive horn balls. Take it easy with the weird come-ons and you’ll be surprised to see an unexpected boost in the love department, mainly thanks to your new (and slightly less creepy) approach.
Expect a huge boost in your career this month. Not only will you sell more tamales than usual, but someone will definitely approach you about a partnership.
OK, get your tamale tootin’ toot outta here!
SAGGITARIUS a.k.a. The Cold-Hearted Culprit
The new moon on the 9th will likely bring about some unwelcome circumstances. Looks like you might find a pube in your food or realize you forgot your wallet at the Safeway checkout. Don’t get mad about these things, get even.
Wear blue on the 25th.
If you aren’t sick already there’s a strong chance you’ll come down with something around the 16th. Sorry, pal, but this entire town is coming down with the flu and there’s no chance you’re missing that party.
Did I mention that Mercury will be in retrograde? Yikes.
This month you’ll finally get closure on something that’s been hanging in a state of purgatory for some time. Seems you’ll finally find out where that suitcase filled with sex toys that got lost in the airport ended up.
With the sun moving into your second house of money and security it’s probably a good time to sit down and budget exactly how much you intend to spend on Mexican food this year. You gave entirely way too much money to Brother’s when you should have been learning to roll your own bean and guac explosion at home.
And that’s it, folks! Now go take control of that other 5% that planetary alignment can’t take care of for you!